I pasted on my smile and changed my voice to happy and enthused. Just a normal day, trying to keep it together. The worst was, I didn’t even know why I felt like I was falling apart. I had an amazing family who loved me no matter what and friends who I knew would always be there for me; my true friends, the fake ones had been rooted out a long time ago. I had a fantastic support system and a very good life. So why did I feel the need to fake smile? Why couldn’t my happy “hello” be genuinely happy? It felt almost selfish and ungrateful to be feeling this way when there were so many amazing people pouring themselves into me.
Work was never the same two days in a row. Being a barista wasn’t ever consistent, but that’s how I liked it. I loved my customers, both the old and the new. I loved making different drinks and smiling to myself as I put together how each customer's drink showed me a part of their personality. The ever changing customers and the growing business excited me. The rush to get things out to people as quickly as possible so that they wouldn’t be late to work, fueled me for the rest of my shift. But I still felt empty.
It was Thursday. I always went to coffee with friends on Thursday night no matter what was happening the next morning. It was always good to see everyone and share the events of the week. In a way it was like a debriefing and a preparation for the week ahead. I didn’t have to paste on a smile there. I loved these people and they brought genuine joy to my life.
My best friend, Ciara, knew me better than anyone else around the table and she reached over and gave my hand a squeeze. “You okay, Halls?” My real name was Hallie, but she’d always called me Halls. She was the only one I'd ever let shorten my name.
“I’m alright.” I said quietly.
“Come on, I know you’re not.” She squeezed my hand again in encouragement.
“I just feel so alone sometimes. And I don’t know why. I have such a great family and amazing friends and a job that I love. I know I shouldn’t feel this way, and it makes me feel so selfish and ungrateful when I do.”
Ciara smiled. “Oh Halls, we all feel that way sometimes. Don’t be discouraged. How is your spiritual life?”
“Not as good as it should be.”
She nodded, but I didn’t feel any judgement. I never felt judgement from her. She always told me the truth in love. “It’s hard sometimes. When you start to feel alone or discouraged, open your bible and talk to God. He will bring you comfort, He always does.”
“Thank you.” Tears came to my eyes. What had I done to deserve such an amazing friend? Absolutely nothing. God was so good.
When I was alone with my thoughts, that’s when the loneliness and misery would slip in so quietly that I wouldn’t even notice it at first. But it was there. Poisoning my mind and trying to convince me that no one cared, and no one ever would.
I took a deep breath and reached for my bible. It had been a while since I’d opened it. The business of my life often led me to forget about spending personal time with Jesus. I opened my bible to John 16:32 “Behold, the hour is coming, indeed it has come, when you will be scattered, each to his own home, and will leave me alone. Yet I am not alone, for the Father is with me.”
My eyes closed and I was surrounded by comfort and love. “Yet I am not alone, for the Father is with me.” I knew what I had been missing. I knew why I had felt so broken and alone. My focus had been on myself, instead of on Christ. I had let the business of my life take me away from the important things. I had left my personal relationship with God on the back burner because I thought I didn’t need it. Turns out, it was ALL that I needed.
thank you. I've been going through changes this summer... and it's been tough... one of my dearest friends just got married, which I expected change from that... but the other changes I didn't expect to happen.... two boys with one of whom I grew together with are out on the road for a mission field, one of our middle school girls whom i was so fond of over the years, abruptly moved to live with her birth mom, and another of my dearest friends stepped down as our associate pastor (it's a long story).... it's been tough, but it gave me opportunity to grow closer to God and doing my involvement in church has been helping me keep going.... plus, I plan to go to school to learn how to be a historian, so that will help me keep going as well.
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